Now, let’s get one thing straight! I’m not denying either the worthiness of the awards or my own personal worthiness to be nominated for them. Awards are important for focusing attention on noteworthy achievements, and for maintaining a sense of community solidarity among participants in a given field. As to my own personal achievements, I have a certain amount of pride in my literary accomplishments to date, whether of the fictional variety on my pages (the titles of some novels and poems are featured at the top of the front page above the picture of books) or of the critical/scholarly variety placed in my posts (the titles appear on the front page, either running down the page, in the right-hand margin, or in my Archives section). So, why, you may ask, when two different people with whom I’ve exchanged compliments and comments before nominate me, at almost exactly the same time, for two different awards (Forever More – Reviews! nominated me for the Liebster and Emma McCoy nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award), why, you repeat, am I not agog with excitement and feverish haste to participate?
I’m not sure, but I think it has something to do with having eaten too much candy, and not feeling worthy at this particular moment, and being generally disgruntled and out of sorts. Before Christmas, you ask? Shades of Scrooge and his like! What do I mean by it? Do I want to bring down the bad luck fairies on my hapless head? Here’s the thing: I think the bad luck fairies have already had a go-round with me, or I wouldn’t be feeling this way. When I say I’ve eaten too much candy, though I probably have done that in a literal sense in the last few weeks since the middle of November (note that date, it becomes important in our investigation, Inspector), I’ve also done it in a figurative sense: I’ve been self-indulgent and weak in the extreme, and have thus gotten mentally flabby and out-of-shape in a major way. And being aware of this in myself, I have hence felt extremely unworthy even to pretend to be worthy of an award of any kind, and in turn this has made me irritable and crabby (these two words are not close synonyms–“irritable” is what people with pretensions become, whereas the least significant among us can lay claim to being “crabby”). As you can see, I’m not really sure what’s wrong with me (though I have that date of significance, the middle of November, to figure from in terms of time), but I’m gradually working it out here, in prose. As to the bad luck fairies? Well, some of the ancients believed that too much praise of a person made them susceptible to bad luck, so that there are good reasons why your Aunt Matilda always says something insulting about you and spits twice in your shadow after someone lauds you to the skies in the hearing of the heavens and everyone (and the heavens are known to be particularly envious of good luck).
So, what about the middle of November? Well, if you recall, that was the time when I went North to Canada for my graduation. And don’t get me wrong, it was a blast! I got to see my friends there again and party with them, I got to put on flamboyant clothing and stride out in front of a lot of people who were all indulgently clapping and have my picture taken and hear my name read out and shake hands with several people on a podium, all of whom are far more important than I will probably ever be, and I got to go to the art gallery and the ballet, things which I’ve had logistical problems with transportation- and cost-wise since living where I live now. I also met a number of very nice strangers from all over on the trains up and back, and all in all, I had a wonderful time. (Can’t you just hear the bad luck fairies plotting and grumbling?) So what did the b-l-fairies have in store for me? Well, they always hit you the best and the hardest when they hit you with your own weaknesses.
My weaknesses? One is that I have a lot of trouble getting up and running again after a short time off for good behavior. Add to this a general tendency to make excuses, and there’s one major sinkhole of weakness (and yes, I know this post is a prime example, but what would you have? If I didn’t tell you the truth, you might think I didn’t appreciate the nominations, which I definitely did, especially since they came from people whose sites I follow). The “too much candy” comes in not only in the literal form of actually having bought and eaten candy galore since I came back to the States (and I didn’t eat candy in Canada, so where do I get off, anyway?), but also in the figurative form of having heard my own praise too many times and having repeated for interested friends and acquaintances here too many times just what I’ve been doing and where I’ve been and what was said and done there.
Here’s what it is: I need to talk about something other than myself (this post is a bad example of modesty, I’m aware), and winning awards and writing answers to questions about facts relating to myself only prolongs the agony. One of the real drawbacks to having had so much time off since the middle of November is that like an old plowhorse I’m having trouble getting back into harness. When I first started my blog, I did a post a day for quite some time. Then, other obligations forced me to cut back to a post every other day. Since I got back from my recent trip, I’ve only written about five posts, which is NOT a post every other day (you caught me, I’m trying to sneak this mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa post in as one of the five), and which makes me feel ashamed of myself, though I’m not currently aware of how to remedy the situation, because I’m also not reading as much or writing as much fiction or even doing as much crocheting as I did before I left, though all these things have started to budge a bit in the last day or two, mainly because I had a happy call from my friends in Canada and I realized that whatever happens in my part of the world, where they are life goes on, and if I’m wise, I’ll try to get back into harness and find a field I can plow.
So, to my two friends who’ve been kind enough to keep up with my blog and nominate me for the Liebster and the Very Inspiring Blogger Awards, I thank you and want to say just this: I’d always rather read what you have to say on your sites and read and write comments back and forth with you than win all the awards in the book. I get a real kick out of different people’s personalities, and find my own rather boring by comparison. And to all my readers who may be wishing me well and hoping I’ll get out of my funk and start living life again, when you wish me well, just remember to get Aunt Matilda and her saliva spray going at the same time: I don’t want to give those b-l-fairies another chance!